Thursday, August 6, 2009
Happiness Is What You Make It
Just when I was about to fall asleep one tired night few days ago, my ate called. She had always said she opted to call me instead of my other siblings because we always have both happy and melodramatic moments for hours. She always find it hard to maintain conversations with my other sisters because they always ask something from her. She's working in Singapore. She has a high salary. She burdens herself on the responsibilities she herself decided to take many years ago. I am sad for her. So, the least that I can do is to cheer her up, at times tells her hard facts and painful truths of the decisions and beliefs she has taken into her young life. Once in a sad turn of our conversation, she said she made her Top Ten Things Before You Die. I said, that's too shallow! It's like making a countdown to death. It seems that those are the only things that can make you fulfilled, and with open arms, you look up to the heavens and say, "Unto your arms, I commend I spirit". Wahehe. Daisy just told me, "Why? Bakit, meron ka ba nun? I bet wala ka pang listahan? What are your plans in life?". I reflected. Hmmm. And I found my answer. I had none. Wahehehe. I had wishes, prayers every now and then. When I look at my journal I have maintained in the two decades and four years of my life, I find myself smiling. God has blessed me with all the prayers I had in my life. Material and nonmaterial. I am happy. I am contented. Life is wonderful. The years of my young life had been hard, harsh, painful, and I believed that the things God made me experience in those years are the very reasons why I am smiling from ear to ear now. I have lost all my miseries and sadness in those years. I was made to realize what really matters in life. Not a trip to Europe Daisy wanted. Not a condo or a house and lot (though it was fun to see the fruits of my labor in my boarding house, after having Chaychay around who is demanding all these things.. wahehehe.) I find joy in people everyday. Happiness should be created. It takes effort. It takes one cheerful smile as you go out of the house. It takes a boisterous (walang poise) laughter you make due to the hilarious face your sister makes for you for no reason at all, and the same face you give out for her to laugh at just for the ugliness of it all. It does not require a boyfriend to be created. It is in the simple things you see and feel everyday. The songs you sing out loud off tone. The tunes that make your booty pop up and make you jump. I am sad for my siblings for having dreams of material things. Maybe I am not just the person to draw out the Top Ten list. I live, I breathe, I love, I am happy, every single day just coz. Happiness for the sake of happiness. I just have to sometimes whisper wishes, and prayers. God provides. I am certain of that.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Hurtful
1. When you give someone a chance and entirely forgiving him/her with what he has done, welcoming him/her with open heart, arms, mind, trying to understand that he/she might have her reasons (how unreliable, trivial, FALSE! they may be), but somehow, he/she does the same thing again, and again, and again... When can my heart go on??
2. When someone abuses your kindness, and you still continue to be a real friend with a helping hand at all times, even when you know that you are taken advantage of. You just wait for him/her to realize that he/she abuses you. How can you be so cruel??
3. When you realize you are emotionally and physically exhausted... Battered due to someone else's problems instead of your own. When do these cease?
2. When someone abuses your kindness, and you still continue to be a real friend with a helping hand at all times, even when you know that you are taken advantage of. You just wait for him/her to realize that he/she abuses you. How can you be so cruel??
3. When you realize you are emotionally and physically exhausted... Battered due to someone else's problems instead of your own. When do these cease?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Those Standards
Setting a criteria on what type of people you would want to make friends with is good. But as far as my 24 years here on Earth tells me, the type of people you draw into your life reflects who you are. That means, when you set this criteria on other people, make sure you also pass them yourself - 100%.
It is quite ironic to realize that we impose things on people we allow into our lives and unknowingly we don't impose these things on ourselves. Ladies set standards on men they want as lovers and vice versa. Isn't it a bit of an injustice when we do such a thing. We, ourselves, are not perfect, how can we demand perfectness on other people then. When a friend of mine told me what was my opinion on her view that men are intimidated by me, i said "care bears" -i.e. i don't care. Given that they are too insecure of themselves and tend to see me in exaggerated ways, I don't see that those insecurities are too justifiable for them to not break the wall and be friends (or intimate friends, you know what i mean) with me. It's ridiculous sometimes. Your love (intent) must overpower your view of self-worth. People say, I set a very high standard on men. I say, "What standards?!" Jokingly, I told my friends, okay here's my list:
1. He should have a huge amount of land. Uhm, 2 sacks can suffice.
2. He should have a car, one with "Hot Wheels" stickers on the side. AAA powered.
3. A number of mansions big enough to fit my nonexistent Barbie dolls.
4. A nice amount of $$$$ money enough to fill up my Pink Piggy Alkansya I bought myself years ago which, as far as I can remember, have not been full since I acquired it.
Power, riches, and all that jazz. I say, Power, riches, and all that crap. I have none, as far as I'm aware of, you never know, I was just adopted by my parents, I actually came from somewhere out there, a daughter of a couple who's rich enough to buy a country... but I know I am not, and I would not have dreamed of another life other than what my parents gave me and what I have given to myself. I am always contented and happy regardless of what I have, or I don't have. God gives blessings to people for reasons. Likewise, God doesn't give them for other justifiable reasons. So I'm happy still.
My dad, with whom, my grandmother (mother's side) doesn't approve of since time immemorial, isn't perfect. I don't want him to be. I love him for what he is, what he is capable of, what he is not capable of. My parents, given they had 6 children along the way, was not able to provide all that we wanted, but I was, and will still be happy with the material and nonmaterial things they provided me selflessly. I am happy. This just goes to show that the crap women (or men) want from another being would just remain crap. Has been, and always will be.
Well, I have got to end here. My friend demands her crap, err, food. She's starving, I'm starving. So i'll end abruptly here! Toink!
It is quite ironic to realize that we impose things on people we allow into our lives and unknowingly we don't impose these things on ourselves. Ladies set standards on men they want as lovers and vice versa. Isn't it a bit of an injustice when we do such a thing. We, ourselves, are not perfect, how can we demand perfectness on other people then. When a friend of mine told me what was my opinion on her view that men are intimidated by me, i said "care bears" -i.e. i don't care. Given that they are too insecure of themselves and tend to see me in exaggerated ways, I don't see that those insecurities are too justifiable for them to not break the wall and be friends (or intimate friends, you know what i mean) with me. It's ridiculous sometimes. Your love (intent) must overpower your view of self-worth. People say, I set a very high standard on men. I say, "What standards?!" Jokingly, I told my friends, okay here's my list:
1. He should have a huge amount of land. Uhm, 2 sacks can suffice.
2. He should have a car, one with "Hot Wheels" stickers on the side. AAA powered.
3. A number of mansions big enough to fit my nonexistent Barbie dolls.
4. A nice amount of $$$$ money enough to fill up my Pink Piggy Alkansya I bought myself years ago which, as far as I can remember, have not been full since I acquired it.
Power, riches, and all that jazz. I say, Power, riches, and all that crap. I have none, as far as I'm aware of, you never know, I was just adopted by my parents, I actually came from somewhere out there, a daughter of a couple who's rich enough to buy a country... but I know I am not, and I would not have dreamed of another life other than what my parents gave me and what I have given to myself. I am always contented and happy regardless of what I have, or I don't have. God gives blessings to people for reasons. Likewise, God doesn't give them for other justifiable reasons. So I'm happy still.
My dad, with whom, my grandmother (mother's side) doesn't approve of since time immemorial, isn't perfect. I don't want him to be. I love him for what he is, what he is capable of, what he is not capable of. My parents, given they had 6 children along the way, was not able to provide all that we wanted, but I was, and will still be happy with the material and nonmaterial things they provided me selflessly. I am happy. This just goes to show that the crap women (or men) want from another being would just remain crap. Has been, and always will be.
Well, I have got to end here. My friend demands her crap, err, food. She's starving, I'm starving. So i'll end abruptly here! Toink!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The kind of Strength Beau gives Me
I admit, it takes at least forty-five minutes from the time I hit the sack to the time my eyes shuts themselves from the cruel yet wonderful world God hands to me each and every day. This night, I was about to decide to clear my mind from thoughts, ranging from trivial to nontrivial, fantasy or reality, romance or horror, family or friends, at about 9:45 PM when I chanced upon memories of given to me by my dear friend Beau. Those reflected of care, thoughtfulness, humility, brilliance amidst tranquility, deep friendship. The feelings of gratefulness, appreciation, happiness made me stand up, grab my laptop sitting on the double-decked bed situated just an arms-length to my left. Now, I am bringing these feelings to life – at least on ink just to remind me, not that I need the reminder, and to just proclaim to the world how Beau gives me strength unlike any other human being, on a different level – him being the humble, intelligent, and caring man that he is.
This is not a blog entry made to make Beau blush tomato-red, nor to embarrass him, especially not to make his girlfriend Fritz furious nor jealous, but this is made out of love, out of just plainly being the grateful woman who has found someone so special such as Beau in this big, big world. I was about to change the current blog title to "The kind of Strength He gives Me" and talk about a man whose name will not be told, but on second thought, I would be defeating my ultimate purpose of giving tribute to Beau. How did God make me remember Beau and his actions done for my happiness? Well, it has to do with the thing I am always bugging myself about – my thesis. But that is another story.
For archiving purposes, I would have to make mention how I met this man. Way back in college, Beau was such a meek, almost socially-frightened student. I would always hear good things about his brilliance from the overheard conversations I had in the lobby of the Computer Science building in Tacloban. I did not personally know him, even during the times when my boyishness got me hitting the dirt and mud all over my bruised body during soccer games held in the BL grounds of UP. It was just a hi-hello thing. Err, I don’t even remember the chance I said hi to this man. Talk about being meek and almost socially-frightened. However, when we got the opportunity to be classmates in our graduate studies, he made a revelation to me. He spoke of the time when he and his groupmate, Winston, had their thesis defense in their final year. I think I was in my sophomore year that time. He said I was that "makulit, maquestion-non na bata" during his defense. Sorry Beau, but I sometimes have a swollen head and immaturity sometimes comes out of me in the form of asking trivial questions. Being the introvert that he was, stage fright got him shedding buckets of sweat in the entirety of his defense. His voice may have trembled along with his entire body but he was still answering questions when his buddy would nudge him to answer a question. With weak legs, sometimes inaudible voice, he speaks intelligently in fractional sentences. I never realized how big is his IQ, and his heart, when we were able to bond just a couple of years ago. I am glad I found him.
Whenever the times I find myself in situation where I feel helpless, depressed, alone because I feel that my ideas have no weight at all in helping my relieve myself from the stresses of my personal and academic life, I have a habit of letting myself go. Let myself breathe. Even go to a salon or parlor. Have a massage. Get my nails done (just recently). Have a haircut. Soccer. Or just forgive myself for not being so worried about those things bugging me and momentarily shut myself down. But there had been many, numerous times, when I just wanted to quit whatever I was doing. My research life had been so disappointing as the number of years progress and I would always end up facing a wall where you are not given any options as to where you would go next, and the only choice forced upon you is just to grow roots on where you stand and just cry, cry, and cry inside. There are times that that tear weigh down my heart and mind and just exhaust me to the brink of hopelessness and depression. I would have to let them out by just praying and praying, and eventually just talk to someone. And there were uncountable times I found solace and comfort in Beau. He knows how to listen. When to listen. When to talk. When to act. When to just offer a shoulder to have his sleeve soaked with tears and snots. When to offer solutions. When not to offer them because he recognizes I just need him to be there. I can just talk of anything with him. Trivial and simple things. Complex things where we can just laugh our heads of when we find ourselves encountering quirky and weird things while on it. Of feelings. Of disappointments. Of failures and little triumphs. Of being grateful with the blessings from God. Of having people who support me. I always feel blessed, light-hearted and always thankful each and every time I talk to him. I feel a lot lot stronger thereafter.
I have read somewhere that men need to hear the specifics to understand the ramblings of a woman, so I better get down to specifics.
1. I love the fact that Beau stays online while I formulate algorithms and simulates them on instances of the problem. I feel I draw strength and focus just knowing someone verifies my, sometimes trivial, perspective on things.
2. I love it when Beau gives the complexity of my algorithm, presents it to me, and waits for me to finally derive it after an hour.
3. I am grateful that even online, and with mathematical notations, that only I can understand, he understands them too!
4. I love it when he talks of an idea, then I would either say “I don’t understand.” or “I am not sure about that.”, he gets a pen and paper (sometimes receipts because he rarely possesses a clean sheet of paper) and painstakingly simplifies it just for me to comprehend.
5. I love it when I request for him to accompany me on walks around, or towards the sunken garden from our building even though I know he is a bit lazy in doing such.
6. I love it when he agrees to go with us on conferences even far, far away from home.
7. I love it when he reminds me that I am way past my curfew, which is 11:00 PM (for heaven’s sake!), and it is time to go home.
8. I love it when he can stand talking and listening to me for hours, online and face-to-face, err, make that face-to-shoulder, or face-to-nose, because most of the time, he is shy on staring at me when we talk. I do believe that even Fritz, Beau’s beloved, has this same experience with him just like everyone else. Beau, it’s ok to look at people in the eye. Heheheh. You have brains and the heart to back you shy, pretty eyes.
9. When I tell him a problem and a solution, he finds time to think and create counter examples wherein my solution would not work. Yes he does! Then, suggest things to improve the solution, or sometimes, give a new one. I am amazed that he gives time and deep thought on these things even if it is not his problem. And what’s more, I know Beau just wants to sleep, eat, go to the cr, and have a simple life, play computer games, think of future plans for his business, Fritz, family, friends. He rarely looks at books. Does not read anything unless it is required by an authority. And reads it seconds before the actual evaluation comes. But actually, he does genuinely find time to think of my problems and my solutions! Talk about reinforcements for me! I am forever thankful!
10. And above all, when my heart and mind are about to explode and I find monotony in my life, he makes me get off my butt and play soccer. Last week, the sky was dark, thunders and lightning bolts appear every now and then, but he still went to school just to fulfill his promise of playing soccer with me in the sunken garden. My mind, body, and soul were resurrected. I was rejuvenated with the physical activity, with all the rain pouring down on us for some time until we decided we were better off without lightning scars marked on our foreheads.
Beau, I am thanking you for the bottom of my heart with everything you have done for me. You are one of the few people who keep me giving smiles to myself, my family, and the ones whom I care about in this world. God blesses those who bless others by just simply being themselves. You are a blessing to me. Ikaw ay hinulog ng langit para umagapay sa buhay ko, at kasi, ayaw din ni Lord na andun ka sa langit. Wahehehe. It’s because you are already an angel to me and to all the people here on Earth. Baw!!!
This is not a blog entry made to make Beau blush tomato-red, nor to embarrass him, especially not to make his girlfriend Fritz furious nor jealous, but this is made out of love, out of just plainly being the grateful woman who has found someone so special such as Beau in this big, big world. I was about to change the current blog title to "The kind of Strength He gives Me" and talk about a man whose name will not be told, but on second thought, I would be defeating my ultimate purpose of giving tribute to Beau. How did God make me remember Beau and his actions done for my happiness? Well, it has to do with the thing I am always bugging myself about – my thesis. But that is another story.
For archiving purposes, I would have to make mention how I met this man. Way back in college, Beau was such a meek, almost socially-frightened student. I would always hear good things about his brilliance from the overheard conversations I had in the lobby of the Computer Science building in Tacloban. I did not personally know him, even during the times when my boyishness got me hitting the dirt and mud all over my bruised body during soccer games held in the BL grounds of UP. It was just a hi-hello thing. Err, I don’t even remember the chance I said hi to this man. Talk about being meek and almost socially-frightened. However, when we got the opportunity to be classmates in our graduate studies, he made a revelation to me. He spoke of the time when he and his groupmate, Winston, had their thesis defense in their final year. I think I was in my sophomore year that time. He said I was that "makulit, maquestion-non na bata" during his defense. Sorry Beau, but I sometimes have a swollen head and immaturity sometimes comes out of me in the form of asking trivial questions. Being the introvert that he was, stage fright got him shedding buckets of sweat in the entirety of his defense. His voice may have trembled along with his entire body but he was still answering questions when his buddy would nudge him to answer a question. With weak legs, sometimes inaudible voice, he speaks intelligently in fractional sentences. I never realized how big is his IQ, and his heart, when we were able to bond just a couple of years ago. I am glad I found him.
Whenever the times I find myself in situation where I feel helpless, depressed, alone because I feel that my ideas have no weight at all in helping my relieve myself from the stresses of my personal and academic life, I have a habit of letting myself go. Let myself breathe. Even go to a salon or parlor. Have a massage. Get my nails done (just recently). Have a haircut. Soccer. Or just forgive myself for not being so worried about those things bugging me and momentarily shut myself down. But there had been many, numerous times, when I just wanted to quit whatever I was doing. My research life had been so disappointing as the number of years progress and I would always end up facing a wall where you are not given any options as to where you would go next, and the only choice forced upon you is just to grow roots on where you stand and just cry, cry, and cry inside. There are times that that tear weigh down my heart and mind and just exhaust me to the brink of hopelessness and depression. I would have to let them out by just praying and praying, and eventually just talk to someone. And there were uncountable times I found solace and comfort in Beau. He knows how to listen. When to listen. When to talk. When to act. When to just offer a shoulder to have his sleeve soaked with tears and snots. When to offer solutions. When not to offer them because he recognizes I just need him to be there. I can just talk of anything with him. Trivial and simple things. Complex things where we can just laugh our heads of when we find ourselves encountering quirky and weird things while on it. Of feelings. Of disappointments. Of failures and little triumphs. Of being grateful with the blessings from God. Of having people who support me. I always feel blessed, light-hearted and always thankful each and every time I talk to him. I feel a lot lot stronger thereafter.
I have read somewhere that men need to hear the specifics to understand the ramblings of a woman, so I better get down to specifics.
1. I love the fact that Beau stays online while I formulate algorithms and simulates them on instances of the problem. I feel I draw strength and focus just knowing someone verifies my, sometimes trivial, perspective on things.
2. I love it when Beau gives the complexity of my algorithm, presents it to me, and waits for me to finally derive it after an hour.
3. I am grateful that even online, and with mathematical notations, that only I can understand, he understands them too!
4. I love it when he talks of an idea, then I would either say “I don’t understand.” or “I am not sure about that.”, he gets a pen and paper (sometimes receipts because he rarely possesses a clean sheet of paper) and painstakingly simplifies it just for me to comprehend.
5. I love it when I request for him to accompany me on walks around, or towards the sunken garden from our building even though I know he is a bit lazy in doing such.
6. I love it when he agrees to go with us on conferences even far, far away from home.
7. I love it when he reminds me that I am way past my curfew, which is 11:00 PM (for heaven’s sake!), and it is time to go home.
8. I love it when he can stand talking and listening to me for hours, online and face-to-face, err, make that face-to-shoulder, or face-to-nose, because most of the time, he is shy on staring at me when we talk. I do believe that even Fritz, Beau’s beloved, has this same experience with him just like everyone else. Beau, it’s ok to look at people in the eye. Heheheh. You have brains and the heart to back you shy, pretty eyes.
9. When I tell him a problem and a solution, he finds time to think and create counter examples wherein my solution would not work. Yes he does! Then, suggest things to improve the solution, or sometimes, give a new one. I am amazed that he gives time and deep thought on these things even if it is not his problem. And what’s more, I know Beau just wants to sleep, eat, go to the cr, and have a simple life, play computer games, think of future plans for his business, Fritz, family, friends. He rarely looks at books. Does not read anything unless it is required by an authority. And reads it seconds before the actual evaluation comes. But actually, he does genuinely find time to think of my problems and my solutions! Talk about reinforcements for me! I am forever thankful!
10. And above all, when my heart and mind are about to explode and I find monotony in my life, he makes me get off my butt and play soccer. Last week, the sky was dark, thunders and lightning bolts appear every now and then, but he still went to school just to fulfill his promise of playing soccer with me in the sunken garden. My mind, body, and soul were resurrected. I was rejuvenated with the physical activity, with all the rain pouring down on us for some time until we decided we were better off without lightning scars marked on our foreheads.
Beau, I am thanking you for the bottom of my heart with everything you have done for me. You are one of the few people who keep me giving smiles to myself, my family, and the ones whom I care about in this world. God blesses those who bless others by just simply being themselves. You are a blessing to me. Ikaw ay hinulog ng langit para umagapay sa buhay ko, at kasi, ayaw din ni Lord na andun ka sa langit. Wahehehe. It’s because you are already an angel to me and to all the people here on Earth. Baw!!!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Ones Who Stands Out
I just watched a heart-wrenching movie last night. Just a few movies can send me reaching for a tissue, the pleats of my skirt, the shirts i wear, or even the sheets of my beddings just to wipe the tears already cascading down on my cheeks in 9.8 m/sec squared speed. Not to mention the salty and sticky fluid inching away from my nostrils crawling at a relatively slower pace. The movie last night was so noteworthy that I decided to create this blog just to ink these masterpieces for eternity in my blogsite, for as long as this site remains free. I heard this movie years ago, and knowing who stars in it, i took note of the title - Blood Diamond. I am not a fan of Leo's masculinity, nor his face, but I adore how he renders the personalities he plays on his movies. Credible, raw, fresh, real. Here's the list of actors and actresses I chose who I believe should be given special places in movie history records to be reminisced time and again by those people who would want to make it big on the big screen and for those people who just mar the industry with their so called "talents".
1. Leonardo di Caprio
a) Blood Diamond
(I cried. Yes I cried! Not ashamed of it. He CAN play a crooked, sly smuggler who will speak of anything just to get his way. Did it convincingly! I give due credit to Djimon Hounsou who portrays an innocent fisherman trapped in life's circumstances. You would just be dishearted with such a poor innocent fellow being forced into lying and deceiving people just to get his family back. Their scenes ranges from heartbreaking to hilarious antics played so well each time.)
b) Revolutionary Road
(What defines happiness?? Watch and you'll get answers.)
c) The Aviator
(See how sanity becomes a condition whose existence is just defined by people who are afraid to take chances and follow the norms set by others who selfishly guard themselves from "insane" ones just to live the normal, boring, unproductive lives.)
d) Titanic
(It's not just the box-office. It's the tearjerker moments when you see what would matter in your life when you know you are about to die, what can you do just to survive, what would you do when you know you are to sacrifice your life just to save others'.)
2. Tom Hanks
a) Castaway
(whoever who have watched the scene where Wilson was caught by a wave and was swept away from the beach, including Tom's life (man! damn that wave), and did not cry a bucket of tears would be either clinically dead or have gone to the CR, and returning back to ask question on what happened, wailed thereafter, and screamed - "WHY!!!???").
b) The Terminal
(The innocentness of the main character was just amazingly captured by Tom you would immediately pity him for having lost his country momentarily. It is amazing that we dont see variety in the shoot locations, but never have I thought of monotony about the film. Just amazing! Amazing!.. again Amazing!)
c) Saving Private Ryan
(Not for the mild-hearted! Dare to watch this movie! Laugh, cry (lots of it) and wonder, why the heck are we killing and hurting one another this way??)
(to be continued... when i have the chance...)
1. Leonardo di Caprio
a) Blood Diamond
(I cried. Yes I cried! Not ashamed of it. He CAN play a crooked, sly smuggler who will speak of anything just to get his way. Did it convincingly! I give due credit to Djimon Hounsou who portrays an innocent fisherman trapped in life's circumstances. You would just be dishearted with such a poor innocent fellow being forced into lying and deceiving people just to get his family back. Their scenes ranges from heartbreaking to hilarious antics played so well each time.)
b) Revolutionary Road
(What defines happiness?? Watch and you'll get answers.)
c) The Aviator
(See how sanity becomes a condition whose existence is just defined by people who are afraid to take chances and follow the norms set by others who selfishly guard themselves from "insane" ones just to live the normal, boring, unproductive lives.)
d) Titanic
(It's not just the box-office. It's the tearjerker moments when you see what would matter in your life when you know you are about to die, what can you do just to survive, what would you do when you know you are to sacrifice your life just to save others'.)
2. Tom Hanks
a) Castaway
(whoever who have watched the scene where Wilson was caught by a wave and was swept away from the beach, including Tom's life (man! damn that wave), and did not cry a bucket of tears would be either clinically dead or have gone to the CR, and returning back to ask question on what happened, wailed thereafter, and screamed - "WHY!!!???").
b) The Terminal
(The innocentness of the main character was just amazingly captured by Tom you would immediately pity him for having lost his country momentarily. It is amazing that we dont see variety in the shoot locations, but never have I thought of monotony about the film. Just amazing! Amazing!.. again Amazing!)
c) Saving Private Ryan
(Not for the mild-hearted! Dare to watch this movie! Laugh, cry (lots of it) and wonder, why the heck are we killing and hurting one another this way??)
(to be continued... when i have the chance...)
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