The kind of Strength Beau gives Me

I admit, it takes at least forty-five minutes from the time I hit the sack to the time my eyes shuts themselves from the cruel yet wonderful world God hands to me each and every day. This night, I was about to decide to clear my mind from thoughts, ranging from trivial to nontrivial, fantasy or reality, romance or horror, family or friends, at about 9:45 PM when I chanced upon memories of given to me by my dear friend Beau. Those reflected of care, thoughtfulness, humility, brilliance amidst tranquility, deep friendship. The feelings of gratefulness, appreciation, happiness made me stand up, grab my laptop sitting on the double-decked bed situated just an arms-length to my left. Now, I am bringing these feelings to life – at least on ink just to remind me, not that I need the reminder, and to just proclaim to the world how Beau gives me strength unlike any other human being, on a different level – him being the humble, intelligent, and caring man that he is.

This is not a blog entry made to make Beau blush tomato-red, nor to embarrass him, especially not to make his girlfriend Fritz furious nor jealous, but this is made out of love, out of just plainly being the grateful woman who has found someone so special such as Beau in this big, big world. I was about to change the current blog title to "The kind of Strength He gives Me" and talk about a man whose name will not be told, but on second thought, I would be defeating my ultimate purpose of giving tribute to Beau. How did God make me remember Beau and his actions done for my happiness? Well, it has to do with the thing I am always bugging myself about – my thesis. But that is another story.

For archiving purposes, I would have to make mention how I met this man. Way back in college, Beau was such a meek, almost socially-frightened student. I would always hear good things about his brilliance from the overheard conversations I had in the lobby of the Computer Science building in Tacloban. I did not personally know him, even during the times when my boyishness got me hitting the dirt and mud all over my bruised body during soccer games held in the BL grounds of UP. It was just a hi-hello thing. Err, I don’t even remember the chance I said hi to this man. Talk about being meek and almost socially-frightened. However, when we got the opportunity to be classmates in our graduate studies, he made a revelation to me. He spoke of the time when he and his groupmate, Winston, had their thesis defense in their final year. I think I was in my sophomore year that time. He said I was that "makulit, maquestion-non na bata" during his defense. Sorry Beau, but I sometimes have a swollen head and immaturity sometimes comes out of me in the form of asking trivial questions. Being the introvert that he was, stage fright got him shedding buckets of sweat in the entirety of his defense. His voice may have trembled along with his entire body but he was still answering questions when his buddy would nudge him to answer a question. With weak legs, sometimes inaudible voice, he speaks intelligently in fractional sentences. I never realized how big is his IQ, and his heart, when we were able to bond just a couple of years ago. I am glad I found him.

Whenever the times I find myself in situation where I feel helpless, depressed, alone because I feel that my ideas have no weight at all in helping my relieve myself from the stresses of my personal and academic life, I have a habit of letting myself go. Let myself breathe. Even go to a salon or parlor. Have a massage. Get my nails done (just recently). Have a haircut. Soccer. Or just forgive myself for not being so worried about those things bugging me and momentarily shut myself down. But there had been many, numerous times, when I just wanted to quit whatever I was doing. My research life had been so disappointing as the number of years progress and I would always end up facing a wall where you are not given any options as to where you would go next, and the only choice forced upon you is just to grow roots on where you stand and just cry, cry, and cry inside. There are times that that tear weigh down my heart and mind and just exhaust me to the brink of hopelessness and depression. I would have to let them out by just praying and praying, and eventually just talk to someone. And there were uncountable times I found solace and comfort in Beau. He knows how to listen. When to listen. When to talk. When to act. When to just offer a shoulder to have his sleeve soaked with tears and snots. When to offer solutions. When not to offer them because he recognizes I just need him to be there. I can just talk of anything with him. Trivial and simple things. Complex things where we can just laugh our heads of when we find ourselves encountering quirky and weird things while on it. Of feelings. Of disappointments. Of failures and little triumphs. Of being grateful with the blessings from God. Of having people who support me. I always feel blessed, light-hearted and always thankful each and every time I talk to him. I feel a lot lot stronger thereafter.

I have read somewhere that men need to hear the specifics to understand the ramblings of a woman, so I better get down to specifics.

1. I love the fact that Beau stays online while I formulate algorithms and simulates them on instances of the problem. I feel I draw strength and focus just knowing someone verifies my, sometimes trivial, perspective on things.

2. I love it when Beau gives the complexity of my algorithm, presents it to me, and waits for me to finally derive it after an hour.

3. I am grateful that even online, and with mathematical notations, that only I can understand, he understands them too!

4. I love it when he talks of an idea, then I would either say “I don’t understand.” or “I am not sure about that.”, he gets a pen and paper (sometimes receipts because he rarely possesses a clean sheet of paper) and painstakingly simplifies it just for me to comprehend.

5. I love it when I request for him to accompany me on walks around, or towards the sunken garden from our building even though I know he is a bit lazy in doing such.

6. I love it when he agrees to go with us on conferences even far, far away from home.

7. I love it when he reminds me that I am way past my curfew, which is 11:00 PM (for heaven’s sake!), and it is time to go home.

8. I love it when he can stand talking and listening to me for hours, online and face-to-face, err, make that face-to-shoulder, or face-to-nose, because most of the time, he is shy on staring at me when we talk. I do believe that even Fritz, Beau’s beloved, has this same experience with him just like everyone else. Beau, it’s ok to look at people in the eye. Heheheh. You have brains and the heart to back you shy, pretty eyes.

9. When I tell him a problem and a solution, he finds time to think and create counter examples wherein my solution would not work. Yes he does! Then, suggest things to improve the solution, or sometimes, give a new one. I am amazed that he gives time and deep thought on these things even if it is not his problem. And what’s more, I know Beau just wants to sleep, eat, go to the cr, and have a simple life, play computer games, think of future plans for his business, Fritz, family, friends. He rarely looks at books. Does not read anything unless it is required by an authority. And reads it seconds before the actual evaluation comes. But actually, he does genuinely find time to think of my problems and my solutions! Talk about reinforcements for me! I am forever thankful!

10. And above all, when my heart and mind are about to explode and I find monotony in my life, he makes me get off my butt and play soccer. Last week, the sky was dark, thunders and lightning bolts appear every now and then, but he still went to school just to fulfill his promise of playing soccer with me in the sunken garden. My mind, body, and soul were resurrected. I was rejuvenated with the physical activity, with all the rain pouring down on us for some time until we decided we were better off without lightning scars marked on our foreheads.

Beau, I am thanking you for the bottom of my heart with everything you have done for me. You are one of the few people who keep me giving smiles to myself, my family, and the ones whom I care about in this world. God blesses those who bless others by just simply being themselves. You are a blessing to me. Ikaw ay hinulog ng langit para umagapay sa buhay ko, at kasi, ayaw din ni Lord na andun ka sa langit. Wahehehe. It’s because you are already an angel to me and to all the people here on Earth. Baw!!!